Lessons from Mama

It’s hard to describe my mama in just a few words. She was complex and changed a lot as I got older. She learned patience. She calmed down and became less aggressive. She became more affectionate. We always had an interesting love/hate relationship. She was my best friend and I could talk to her about anything. We were too much alike. I didn’t appreciate that until now.

Since I can remember, my mom struggled with health issues. You would never know unless she told you - which she wouldn’t - or you saw her taking her medications from her pill basket. She was tough as nails and stood up for everything she believed in. She never backed down to anyone and would always tell you how she felt. She never apologized for being herself and that’s a part of her I thought I wanted to change. She was undoubtedly the smartest person I ever knew. I wish she had her chance to show out on Jeopardy.

I didn’t always like my mom. She was too tough on me. I had stricter expectations than my brothers. She expected nothing but the best. I know how to stand on my own two feet. I can give to others without expecting anything in return. I stand up for myself and don’t take any shit. I have self respect, morals, and values. I’m firm and flexible. I'm aggressive and assertive. I know my history and roots and I can plant my own seeds.

My mama taught me to be strong, to bounce back no matter what adversity came my way. Losing my mother was something I could have never prepared for. I didn't see it coming and often wonder if I would be able to cope better if I knew. I probably wouldn't. Almost two years later, I feel like I’m disappointing her because I can’t be strong like she taught me and face with my grief. I want to but I can’t. When you have a hole in your heart that nothing can fill, what can you do? Therapy isn't working but I still go. Mama didn't raise a quitter.

To anyone who has ever lost someone, especially a mother, I challenge you. Remember the lessons. Remember the love. Remember the sacrifices. Remember grief doesn’t go away over night. To my mom, on what would’ve been your 63rd birthday, thank you. Because of you, I am me and I’m damn proud of the woman you helped to shape me into. Because of you I lit my own path during my darkest days. Because of you I continue to push forward even though everything in me tells me continue to live in my pit of sadness. Because of you I was loved and will always show love.

-Cb